Google: the thief of happiness

Below is an open letter to myself regarding Googling anything, only excluding: celebrity gossip, recipes, and figuring out what day of the month it is. 

Dear Mary Kate,

You’re writing this letter to yourself to remind you not to Google! You love to Google. You’re a Google addict. Googling leads to a tunnel of links, websites, and UNRELIABLE information for days!

It has to stop. The anxiety you’re trying to relieve while Googling only multiplies when you find out that if you stop taking medication you can have seizures at random. And oh, not taking that other medication exactly one hour before you eat will only lead to heartache and stomachaches.

WebMD is NOT your friend. Ever. That slight pain in your neck – yeah, you have cancer. Your pulled muscle from working out will need surgery. That symptom checker always includes several types of terminal illness, but do you think it ever includes the common cold? Uh, no.

Googling one thing only leads to another, MK. What’s the weather going to be today? Oh, a severe thunderstorm warning you say? Make sure you find out every little bit of information about that one and then go take shelter in the basement. It really is a sickness.

When you Google, “baking polymer clay in the oven” for a cute idea you have, you will feel like you need to buy an entirely new oven because of some mysterious toxin released into the air that will poison all your food! When in all actuality, if you hadn’t read that comment on the blog post found from dear Google, you would have baked that clay in the oven, ON A PLATE THAT YOU EAT OFF OF, no less, and never thought twice of it.

The refrigerator life of that zucchini Chris bought last week? Well, Google says 2 to 3 days in your refrigerator … but it looks fine to you. But, it’s best to be safe and toss that green vegetable away – and throw money right in the trash. Google, you thief of nutrition.

There are very few websites that are appropriate for doing a wide search. Google is not one of them! It is a death trap! Try BuzzFeed for hilarious news and random Supermarket Sweep gifs. Use Wikipedia to find out about the Green Mountain Boys or that random celebrity on The Voice that you, you uncultured gal, can’t quite place!

For your sake and the sanity of your family, friends, and doctor, stop the madness. Stop using Google.

Love (,) yourself


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